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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| I stood tip-toe on the bathroom counter, pressing my naked chest against the mirror, enjoying the cooling sensation of the glass against my skin. I examined my face and body, taking in the pine needles nested into my hair, the sap smeared across my left cheek and the bloodred stain of blackberries on my lips. My legs were covered from ankle to knee with bandaids of all sorts. Amid the grass stains, dirt and dust, dried blood was visible. I turned to examine myself from each angle, careful as I twisted precariously on the high countertop. Glancing down to the tile floor, I realized that I hadn't considered how far from the ground I would be if I climbed the cabinet door and stood on the counter. I dropped to my hands and knees, peering over the edge of the counter that I was normally just a few inches taller than. I gripped my fingers tightly around the sink faucet as I slid my body across the counter so that my legs slipped over the ledge easily. I wriggled slightly as I stretched my toes downward toward the cold floor. Still gripping the faucet, the tip of my toes grazed the floor and I loosened my grip and dropped. My cheeks were warm with self-satisfaction as I sneaked quietly out of the bathroom; I paused to make sure no one was around, then I sprinted to my bedroom dresser. I dressed quickly, not wanting to get in trouble for parading around the house naked. I wasn't a baby anymore. "Hi, Mommy." "What are you doing?" My eyes sparkled, "Goin' to play with Elise and Kayla outside." "Okay," she touched my shoulder and led me through the door and out onto the back porch. She shouted for all of us to hear, "I'm mopping, you guys better get what you need in the next five minutes because you're not comin' back in the house 'til it's dry." | | |
| Today is my 21st Birthday. My friends and I went to Lil Moes downtown and celebrated. It was great. I had an awesome night and a wonderful morning. Absolutely perfect. And then, at noon, I got into my first ever car accident. Just a fender bender. But it turned this perfect day into shit. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. | | |
| update- started eating a lot more. started drinking a lot too, so the alcohol has fattened me up a little. current weight 105. i'm feeling better about eating, and not purging. i just refuse to let myself obsess over it.
today at 4pm, i have a poetry reading. i wont first place school-wide, and i'm actually pretty nervous. i don't do public speaking very well, but i think i'll be okay. mom plans to come.
here are the poems i'll be reading:
(this one won first place) Lines of Infidelity
I asked why not what was so beautiful about her structure, her curves those lines that drew you in the direction of the smooth cursive of her name wrote mine with your left hers with your right on the sick, yellow paper you hide beneath your pillow those perfect scribbles aligned curved to intersect with the careful lines of a heart imprinted in the page where you discover my name from a hurriedly torn love letter that I carry in my back pocket to rewind, remind, remember the way you and your handwriting leaned gently toward the horizontal line
(and this one will be included in the school's poetry anthology, InFLux) Ten Bucks
“Ten bucks says we won’t make it through the winter.” it wasn’t so cold that I could see your breath but cigarette smoke accompanied the words that you whispered oh so placidly “It’s just a phase,” you said with that all-knowing smirk on your pretty little face but I know why you pretend you don’t care too bad cowardice isn’t your color that tough as shit facade is wearing thin one more awkward kiss but you recoil when I approach November is fading quickly into the end of seasons I wouldn’t want to prove you wrong so empty my pockets, it’s all I’ve got left.
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| i'm not positive what consitutes an eating disorder, but sometimes i eat so much that i get sick and other times i refuse to eat altogether. i like it when i throw up and i get really angry when i see that i've gained weight. 6 months ago i weighed around 127 lbs.i would literally cry if i weighed that now. i never want to be over 110. today i weigh about 104. throughout the week it fluxuates about 104-109 lbs. people say i look too skinny, but i think i look okay. i look in the mirror and think i should work out and tone up though. i can't tell if i'm crazy or just way to god damn conceited. i don't know. i just... *shrug* | | |
| i don't really have a lot to say anymore. is life what you make it or what others make it for you? because if i'd had a choice in the matter- it would have turned out differently. i wouldn't be here. and yet, this feels right and i'm happy. it just might feel a little less right and i might be a little less happy than it could have been. if fate exists, how much of a role does it play? is it everything?
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