A_Thought_Crushed_My_Mind
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Name: jessica
Metro: Parkersburg
Birthday: 5/9/1987


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Member Since: 10/4/2003

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Blogrings
Mountaineer Christian Youth Camp
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Philip Barbour sucks, but we're Awesome
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good luck exploring the infinite abyss
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Without-Excuse
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Cute Is What We Aim For
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Meet me in Montauk
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sigur ros
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in that moment, i swear we were infinite
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Thursday, July 09, 2009

recent musings

I stood tip-toe on the bathroom counter, pressing my naked chest against the mirror, enjoying the cooling sensation of the glass against my skin. I examined my face and body, taking in the pine needles nested into my hair, the sap smeared across my left cheek and the bloodred stain of blackberries on my lips. My legs were covered from ankle to knee with bandaids of all sorts. Amid the grass stains, dirt and dust, dried blood was visible. I turned to examine myself from each angle, careful as I twisted precariously on the high countertop. Glancing down to the tile floor, I realized that I hadn't considered how far from the ground I would be if I climbed the cabinet door and stood on the counter.

I dropped to my hands and knees, peering over the edge of the counter that I was normally just a few inches taller than. I gripped my fingers tightly around the sink faucet as I slid my body across the counter so that my legs slipped over the ledge easily. I wriggled slightly as I stretched my toes downward toward the cold floor. Still gripping the faucet, the tip of my toes grazed the floor and I loosened my grip and dropped.

My cheeks were warm with self-satisfaction as I sneaked quietly out of the bathroom; I paused to make sure no one was around, then I sprinted to my bedroom dresser. I dressed quickly, not wanting to get in trouble for parading around the house naked. I wasn't a baby anymore.

"Hi, Mommy."

"What are you doing?"
My eyes sparkled, "Goin' to play with Elise and Kayla outside."

"Okay," she touched my shoulder and led me through the door and out onto the back porch. She shouted for all of us to hear, "I'm mopping, you guys better get what you need in the next five minutes because you're not comin' back in the house 'til it's dry."


Friday, May 09, 2008

may ninth two-oh-oh-eight

Today is my 21st Birthday.

My friends and I went to Lil Moes downtown and celebrated. It was great.

I had an awesome night and a wonderful morning. Absolutely perfect.

And then, at noon, I got into my first ever car accident.

Just a fender bender.

But it turned this perfect day into shit.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

 


Thursday, April 17, 2008

update- started eating a lot more. started drinking a lot too, so the alcohol has fattened me up a little. current weight 105. i'm feeling better about eating, and not purging. i just refuse to let myself obsess over it.

today at 4pm, i have a poetry reading. i wont first place school-wide, and i'm actually pretty nervous. i don't do public speaking very well, but i think i'll be okay. mom plans to come.

here are the poems i'll be reading:

(this one won first place)
Lines of Infidelity

I asked why not what
was so beautiful about
her structure, her curves
those lines that drew you
in the direction
of the smooth
cursive of her name
wrote mine with your left
hers with your right
on the sick, yellow paper
you hide beneath your pillow
those perfect scribbles aligned
curved to intersect
with the careful lines
of a heart
imprinted in the page
where you discover
my name
from a hurriedly torn
love letter that I carry
in my back pocket
to rewind, remind, remember
the way you and your handwriting
leaned gently toward the horizontal line


(and this one will be included in the school's poetry anthology, InFLux)
Ten Bucks

“Ten bucks says we won’t make it through the winter.”
it wasn’t so cold that I could see your breath
but cigarette smoke accompanied the words
that you whispered oh so placidly
“It’s just a phase,” you said
with that all-knowing smirk on your pretty little face
but I know why you pretend you don’t care
too bad cowardice isn’t your color
that tough as shit facade is wearing thin
one more awkward kiss but you recoil when I approach
November is fading quickly into the end of seasons
I wouldn’t want to prove you wrong
so empty my pockets, it’s all I’ve got left.       



Tuesday, February 26, 2008

i'm not positive what consitutes an eating disorder, but sometimes i eat so much that i get sick and other times i refuse to eat altogether. i like it when i throw up and i get really angry when i see that i've gained weight.
6 months ago i weighed around 127 lbs.i would literally cry if i weighed that now. i never want to be over 110. today i weigh about 104. throughout the week it fluxuates about 104-109 lbs. people say i look too skinny, but i think i look okay. i look in the mirror and think i should work out and tone up though. i can't tell if i'm crazy or just way to god damn conceited. i don't know. i just... *shrug*


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

i don't really have a lot to say anymore.
is life what you make it or what others make it for you?
because if i'd had a choice in the matter-
it would have turned out differently.
i wouldn't be here.
and yet, this feels right and i'm happy.
it just might feel a little less right and i might be a little less happy
than it could have been.
if fate exists, how much of a role does it play?
is it everything?



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